Author's Note: So this is a rambling MESS, but it is a rambling passionate mess as well (It was three times longer before I deleted those verses... xD). It's been three days since the six hour conversation that completely changed my outlook on God and love, and I can still feel this joyous, righteous love of God filling me and shaping me. 

See, I knew Him, but I didn't know where He was. For the past few months, I have been significantly struggling to create a solid connection with God. I would pray, and it would feel like I was talking to myself. Reading my Bible was as dry as a history lesson. Even before I lost my closest confidant and friend, I was struggling to find that missing piece I had forgotten with God. 

What I did not understand is that I had forgotten to love. 

Oversharing a bit here, but I have had love messed up for me in so many ways. In my past, cruel and abusive actions have been justified as love, and I grew to fear things done through "love." I also refused to believe that true love could exist out there in any form. Due to my own cynicism and trepidation, I continued to push love and loving people away from me, attracting mainly those who only reinforced my thought processes of "tough love," or that I was less than they were. 

Yet, I came to the realization three days ago after a conversation with a fantastic friend who wants to one day become a minister, that I had completely missed the point. Christ's first two commands are to love God and love people. These are what we should prioritize above all else. 

Love is not about hurting others or trying to change them into someone else.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." - 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

I never truly understood what that verse meant until now. Now, I rejoice in awe over what God has done for me and His actions. Reading my Bible, particularly Ecclesiastes, makes me feel alive. 

So that was long-winded, but I wanted to share this testimony in the hopes that some of y'all may be able to find that closeness with God again as well. 

Now for the messy poem. 😅

~ ~ ~

And you lift your tear-stained face and smile. 

Once more, you hear God’s voice

Whispering to you and guiding your life.

"Love God, Love People," by Danny Gokey

Matthew 22: 37-38